For example is there a point system of some kind for children who are born with diabetes, autism, or Down syndrome.

And how does that point system compare against the typical/normals attending our neighborhood schools?

After all, aren’t all children are created differently, so where is the line actually drawn?

How do children earn the right to be in a classroom? What is the criteria? Is it solely on the basis of intelligence? And if so which form of intelligence are we going to measure?

Inclusion education recognizes that each child has a value and a right to participate in the classroom in which his or her siblings participate.

Let’s examine the value of a child and how that valuation is established.

If we are willing as a community to invest in the process of educating a child then that student has a sense of value. If on the other hand we are investing our time and resources in preventing a child from fully participating in the neighborhood school then we are expressing our devaluation of that child by simply excluding that child from the classroom.

The basis for most systems of acceptance and rejection is formulated by assessing the child’s academic performance and then making a determination as to whether or not the child belongs or not.

A child’s value and worth is determined first by affirming an identity. It is our obligation as adults to develop that identity in the most unique and dynamic method available.

Since there is no finality to identity formation in that it is constantly developing then it is our obligation to continually strive to increase the contribution to identity growth.

The ultimate goal of every child matriculating in school at any level is to attain some level of autonomy.

Since every child develops at their own unique pace it is normal then to expect that this process is never completed. Therefore at every level of progress we can expect ever increasing improvement.

It is this combination of an ever emerging personality that in combination with the disability itself that is the determinant outcome of the identity of the child born with a handicap.

This process is not one of free will. That is even though we are all free to chose our destiny it is the lack of free choice that is the ultimate limitation and final determinant for the child born with a handicap.

So it is the adults in the life of a child who will in the end decide how that child is to be educated and how his or her unique and very special identity will be shaped. The adults in this child’s life are his/her free choice.

In the absence of a full range of experiential opportunities we are in the final analysis then limiting our children’s potential by not insisting that all children be included together as one variable with an infinite potential possibilities.

Isn’t it our physical, material essence that we must strive to negate and our spiritual or divine soul that we are reaching to develop? So how do we allow another’s journey to be limited by our inability to accept their probabilities of success?

In the attempt to succeed at inclusion into the society we as adults cannot fathom that there is an inner desire to be accepted and fully participate on the part of the handicapped amongst us, merely because they cannot be fully express that desire.

If there is truly an “affirmative action” to be heaped upon our society in order to correct the wrongs meted out upon a segment of our population by an ongoing societal failure then let it be our handicapped children. After all isn’t this sort of societal discrimination against the handicapped historically wrong and ongoing.

Doesn’t this form of discrimination supercede our limited ability to communicate and therefore prevent us from fully comprehending the need for full inclusion, acceptance, and the affirmation of a fully developed life?

The yeshiva’s of our home communities must begin to realize that inclusion does not prevent learning from taking place. It does not interfere with the teachers ability to teach. It does not cost any more than accommodating a child with ADD and even though it is not yet fully understood it improves the midos of the typical children in the classroom. *

Johns Hopkins University Comprehensive school wide restructuring program called “Success for All” student achievement was measured. In assessing effect they measured a control group with students in “Success for All.” (Woodcock Language Proficiency Battery 1984, Durell Analysis of Reading Differences, 1980, Student Attention and Retention).

While assessment showed improved reading for all students the most dramatic was amongst the lowest achievers.

Inclusion has been shown to 1 reduce fear of human differences accompanied by increased comfort and awareness (Peck, et al 1992), and 2 increased growth in social cognition (Murray-Seegert,C., “Nasty Girls Thugs and Humans Like Us: Social Relations Between Severely Disabled and Non Disabled Students in High School,” Baltimore; Paul Brooks, 1989)

“It is well known that parents who are confronted with a profoundly distressing situation such as the birth of a child with Down syndrome frequently display impaired decision making capacity, since cognitive dysfunction usually prevails.” (Murphy, Oleshansky) ” During this initial traumatic period, parents are extremely vulnerable to external influences and suggestions. They often do not fully understand the presented medical complexities and the long-term implications.” (Pueschel)

“Therefore, it is not only cruel to ask parents ‘what they want,’ but it is also dishonest because many parents are consciously or unconsciously influenced by ‘one’ opinion. Parents may come to a different decision if they are afforded access to arrange of resources beyond the expertise and bias of a single ‘opinion.’ This should include other parents who have a child with Down syndrome. They should afford sufficient time for considering options and alternatives.” (IBID)

Treatment and care has continued to improve in quality and our schools and yeshivas at last must finally accept the responsibility to educate our children who have gone through so much over the course of distant past and recent history.

Now that we have faced the challenges of keeping our children at home we must now finally find a way to educate them properly. No more short cuts. No more corners cut to satisfy the status quo. Children with Down syndrome and other handicaps have always been here but just not in our schools.

Maybe at one time we did not know how to educate this population but now we know how to do it right. These are children who simply want to be accepted just as their siblings are accepted and in the same places by the same people.

Lejeune identified the chromosomal abnormality linked to Down syndrome or mongolism as it was also known at that time. This discovery of the abnormal or extra chromosome attached to the 21^st pair of chromosomes was called trisomy 21 or three at the twenty first pair.

This then was the first time in history that any form of chromosomal abnormality was identified and it marked the turning point in the study of cytogenetics.

Dr. Lejeune also is credited with discovering the chromosomal basis for a disorder known as cri-du-chat syndrome or the cry of the cat. It is so called because of the distinct sound of a cry that infants with this syndrome all seem to have. This syndrome is also associated with issues dealing with mental retardation.

Dr. Lejeune was a devout and dedicated anti abortionist who was appointed to head the Pontifical Academy for life by Pope John Paul II.

This contribution to the literature was most certainly a positive turning point in the history of discoveries surrounding Down syndrome.

For example mainly in about 20% of females who have Down syndrome there is a missing 12^th rib and that amongst a vast majority of children with the syndrome the mouth cavity is disproportionately too small to accommodate the tongue. The skull is also undersized and these symptoms combined give the appearance of the tongue being too large which and unmanageable. Actually with a little training in the very beginning the child will learn to use the tongue and the mouth cavity and together the undersized head will achieve a level of successful control. (Silver, Kempe, Bruyn, Handbook of Pediatrics, 1992)

The air sinuses are usually underdeveloped in children and adults with Down syndrome which will cause frequent blockage and therefore many breathing difficulties. Thus the children will resort to breathing through their mouths. This is a commonly observable trait that gives the impression that the child is much more retarded than they actually are. This open jaw position combined with the undersized skull, narrow ear canals are all factors contributing to the frequency of many ear infections and a high incidence of hearing loss amongst this population.(Cunningham, C., Down syndrome, 1988)

Because of the lack of complete knowledge about the syndrome in general amongst the medical and educational communities there is a marked lack of legitimate treatments and therapies. This aside from those that have already been developed and implemented for the typical child population. (Murphy, A, The Young Child with Down syndrome, 1984)

Thus parents become vulnerable to the entire host of scams that are designed to make a parent believe that they can cure Down syndrome completely to a variety of huckster type treatments that involve ever increasing quantities of products and salves designed to look real, cost a lot, and that will provide no long term realistic relief in the form of results. (Berenbaum, M, The World Must Know, 1994)

Parents who elect to keep their child want what is the best for them and many times they are sucked into a get fixed quick scheme and because they want what is best for their child they are exploitable.

With this warning we need to say that parents should understand that there may be a modality that is acceptable and may actually produce results and these need to be explored and parents need to make informed decisions.

For example many forms of therapy are legitimate medical practice however, many are simply exploitive and unsupported by research or fact. Examine the various treatments for thyroid treatments that are often recommended and often necessary yet there are some forms of diagnosis and treatment that are completely bogus and will actually interfere with the proper function and treatment of the thyroid in children who have Down syndrome. (Pueschel, S, Ethical Consideration in the Life of Children with Down Syndrome, 1989)

Remember that not all children who have Down syndrome have the same medical problems and they do not all develop at the same rate. In that regard, I guess, we can all take solace in the fact that we are all the same.

More References:

Ainsworth, M. D., et al, Infant Mother Attachment and Social Development: Cambridge, Mass, University Press, 1974)

Bowlby, J., Attachment and Loss: Separation Anxiety and Anger, New York, Basic Books, 1973)

Rubenstein, J, Maternal Attentiveness and Subsequent Exploratory Behavior in the Infant, Child Development, 38:1089, 1967)

Lamb, M. E., A Defense of the Concept of Attachment, Human Development, 17:376-385, 1974)

Lucyshyn, J, et al, Building an Ecology of Support: A Case Study of One Young Woman with Severe Problem Behaviors Living in the Community, J Assoc Persons with Severe Handicaps, 20:1, 16-30, S. 1995)

A Jewish film producer once said, “Mother, father, and G-d represented the core of Jewish family life. Evry home depended on the warmth and care given by the mother, the strength and security given by the father, and the omnipresence and omnipotence of G-d. Mother was there when you were ailing or hungry or cold, father was always handy to protect you and G-d was available for everything.” (Dore Schary)

“Just as it is a mitzvah to put on tefillin every day, it is a mitzva for the father to be involved with the children every day.” (M.M. Schneerson)

We all need family, and those of us fortunate enough to have a large family rely on it to share the joys and burdens of being a member of that family. The fullness we all feel having an extended family as well as a large natural immediate family gives us an identity, a sense of self, closeness, support, and variety.

It is exactly this access to the dynamics of a large family that is denied the baby who is given away in the very beginning of life. How much more so does a retarded child need to feel this acceptance and the security that goes with it, rather than literally being lost, alone, and rejected from the very first ;phase of life.

Keeping a child born with Down syndrome can only enrich everyone’s experience around him. By eliminating the myths, the fears, and the unknown, and then by further embracing, understanding and meeting the challenges head on, we all benefit.

There are clearly times when family members simply cannot cope with certain situations, and may, G-d forbid, wonder why they were born. Generally speaking orthodox Jews don’t entertain such despairing thoughts. As the Gemora, (Magilla, 16A) reminds us, “These people (the Jews) have been compared to sand and stars; when they fall as low as the sand, and when they rise as high as the sky.” Between the stars and the sand, orthodox Jews also have bad thoughts, specifically in the attitudes toward children born “differently abled” or if you will, handicapped.

All the evidence proves that the absolute worst thing that can happen to a baby immediately after birth is to be placed in a facility, communal home, or institution. The most desirable setting then is always a biological family home preferably with the biological mother and father as well as the natural siblings.

What is more joyous than having a baby? And what is more fraught with potential for conflict?

Say what you want about the probability of winning the lottery but I’ve never heard the story of the guy who won and complained about the windfall by asking to pass it on to another without even sampling the windfall if only for a short time.

“Oh my gosh I just won all this money in the lottery, why me? Why did it have to be me? I don’t think I can handle this. It’s going to be too much for the family to handle.”

Childbirth no matter how much we think we can control it, is like a lottery even though the grand prize is a gift from Above.

As Dore Schary says, “childbirth is one of the greatest shared moments in the lives of mothers and fathers and babies, offering an infinite number of possibilities as the potential. There are those segments of the process that are observed, monitored, and regulated and there are those aspects of the process over which we have not control and less insight.” The only way through, many religious Jews have found, is the use of prayer and recitation of Tehillim (Plalms) in order to effect or influence outcome. And we know these tools work.

These are the windows to heaven according to the Baal Shem Tov (1689-1760 The founder of the Chassidic movement worldwide). And if I might add here so are our children windows to heaven. When G-d sends us a child He is also sending us the special instructions as to how to handle the situation. He wants you to have this child; all you need do is pray and listen closely for the answer.

Just as there are no two people the same so too there are no two birthing experiences that are the same. Every baby goes through a birthing process that is similar only however in that every baby descends through a series of internal events ultimately presenting to us as an external semi independent being. It is here that all similarities end and the uniqueness of this event begins as life.

G-d does not make mistakes when creating human beings. Only human beings make mistakes through ignorance. Put another way, everything and everyone is perfect in His eyes; It is our eyes that need correcting.

There is this annual ritual that I observe every year as we arrive at the send off point where we meet the buses that are all lined up awaiting our children as they prepare to board. This ritual that I refer to is the welcome back ritual that I call the “I am so excited to see you embrace.”

Now I think that there is most certainly a time for everything and especially for children however, it is simply not appropriate for our children who are nine and ten years old and above to be hugging young adult counselors from summers past. This rule should apply as well to the full body embrace that is employed as a method of introduction when meeting new staff for the first time.

It is not merely an embrace or an innocent hug. Keep in mind that not only are there halachas about these kinds of behaviors but it is, simply put, not the best way to train our children to become fully included and accepted members of a greater society.

Today there is a story in the news that reported that in a southern school a new rule was implemented to prevent contact that involved high fiving, embracing, and hand holding. This further included more obvious exclusions such as kissing and other inappropriate public displays of affection.

Now the reason that this set of rules was introduced into a public school in the first place is because the school district recognized that these inappropriate contacts lead to physical violence. This is exactly the opposite of what I would have thought. And yet there it was in the newspaper, “in order to prevent these contacts from leading to violence.”

It is clear to me that if one can’t shake hands one cannot lead to ever more inappropriate intimate behaviors. However, what is new for me is that this leads to violent acts. And yet when thought about it is really quite a logical next step isn’t it?

Promoting appropriate standards of social conduct at the very earliest phases of development will lead to proper adolescent and adult behaviors.

What is most disturbing is observing one of these very enthusiastic young adult counselors greeting our very cute and cuddly youngsters who have Down syndrome with a big hug and a squeeze for good measure.

This is the way they act in front of the parents so how should we think that it is going to be in the camp for the entire summer out of our view. After all aren’t they setting the tone for what their expectations are when greeting each other for the very first time prior to boarding the bus?

It is extremely important that there be a staff meeting at the beginning of every summer where the standards of interaction are reviewed and established. If it is not appropriate for a typical child of 10 years of age to be picked up and held then it is not an appropriate behavior for a child who has Down syndrome.

This is an inclusion mentality. That is to say that when a child is going to go out into the community at large, after they have completed their school studies, as an adult we must always want to anticipate the behaviors we are trying to instill in them as children. We must always be cognitive of how will the children carry with them those standards learned in their youth.

It is extremely important then that every child is evaluated by the staff and that the parents are consulted as to their wishes and that those evaluations and wishes be strictly respected.

The real problem is that some of these children are so very cute that it is extremely difficult to resist the temptation and not to grab on and/or comply with the child’s wish to embrace.

However this is an extremely wrong approach for the child’s sake. It is the beginning of the summer and the child is a camper and should not be given the message that it is they that are in charge. It will be exceptionally difficult to separate those behaviors as they progressively become more age inappropriate and increasingly more socially unacceptable as well.

What was cute at the age of four or five or in some cases even at the age of six is not at all cute when the child, who may be fully developed at the age of 13 or 14 or 18 wants to continue what has taken place every year up until this one when suddenly the child is no longer sent the message that they are cute and cuddly.

It is not fair to create these synthetic warm and physical greetings as being acceptable each year and then to suddenly pull the child’s plug on warm and fuzzy simply because the counselors no longer find it acceptable. What is the adolescent child to think when suddenly one summer everyone shows up and the typical greeting that has been so acceptable for all these years is no longer acceptable but fully rejected. The camper cannot be made to understand what is going on since it is consistency that is the lynch pin for successful development.

If these acts of physical greetings and contacts are not encouraged in the first place then our children will not have to experience the rejection and separation with the onset of adolescence.

When children experience appropriate hugging in the home with their parents, their grand parents, and their siblings then this is the best time to teach them about appropriate and permitted hugs and also about the opposite.

So when counselors see the children at the bus let’s all be united and encourage them to put out their hands for a socially acceptable handshake and let’s further encourage them to resist the temptations of the traditional summer bus greeting in the form of “the full body embrace.” Let’s ask the counselors to cooperate by encouraging our children to cooperate as well.

May all of the children, staff, counselors, and administrators have a happy, healthy, and barrier free, safe summer.

In any specific or general situation that may occur there needs to be some beneficial yet correct communal  response. Thus the most propitious moment to commence an intervention tactic would exist long before the need actually arises. It should however be implemented on an as needed basis and yet prepared to be implemented without the need to wait.

The drama of fund raising as it is practiced, is that most people want to feel as if they are part of the “emergency room relief-syndrome.”  Thus every philanthropist likes to feel as if they were able to directly use their financial clout as part of the success of the response team. These givers do not want to actually be involved until the probability for a problem that is actually on course for deteriorating is actually is in progress. It is the nature of giving.

Developing an interest on the part of philanthropists is the most difficult and challenging in a general sense and how much more so when trying to introduce the concept of participation at the earliest stages of a crisis. There exists some obvious reasons for this and some not so obvious.

Primarily during the earliest stages of crisis there seems to be a lack of focus and attention on the difficulties as they are unfolding. This on the part of the care givers as well as the community at large. Therefore the potential recipients seem much less the issue at that moment and their situation is not at a level of demanding or critical and therefore it remains much less sympathetic.  Finally, while being successful at the very earliest stages prevents the difficulties from escalating and deteriorating to a level requiring community wide participation there still remains a lack of public sympathy and understanding at the earliest phase of crisis. One main reason is that there is always the optomistic view that the situation will be resolved without having to involve others.

In Viyikra (25:35) we are taught that, “If your fellow amongst you becomes needy…you should support him…” The word V’heh cheh zaktah Bo which means “to support him” is translated to mean that he should be supported as soon as he begins to fall, for if not so it will become concomitantly more difficult to do so with the passage of time. (See Rashi)

The rabbinical literature as it relates to these ethical issues of timeliness seems to support this thinking in that it is always better to prevent the deterioration than to wait and attempt to rebuild or rehabilitate the situation after it has collapsed.

One such very well known example is the case of an animal that has fallen under the burden of its load. In this case we are charged with the responsibility of unloading the collapsed beast from its burden, (Gemora Baba Metzia 32A and B) this is all in order to prevent further loss to the owner. There is a second case that needs to be cited as well in which we are charged with the responsibility of lending assistance prior to a journey with the actual loading of an animal (on this point there is a disagreement as to whether the mandate applies to unloading as well, or not, R. Yosse). However it is clear that the act of assisting before the crisis begins is clearly the path better traveled.

The Rambam developed an eight tiered proposal as to how best to give tzeduka. Giving to the recipient at the very earliest stage of need and as anonymously as possible is the ideal method of discharging our obligations in these matters according to the Rambam.

The Rambam also outlines in decending order from the most desirable methods of giving tzeduka to the least desirable methodology and he does this in eight levels or stages.

The primary of these methods is to offer some form of early support that is entirely independent from the welfare system or from the social welfare system. This is accomplished by offering a loan or a gift or a business deal or by providing a tzeduka in the form of employment of some kind without being asked to do so.

The first four levels of tzeduka all provide for anonymity to be maintained and for the recipient to retain their dignity completely intact.

The Rambam is also pointing out that there are considerations that need to be accounted for that have no relationship with the actual material need that is being requested by the recipient and that goes well beyond this plea for help.

In the case of a child born with a disability or a handicap the need for the earliest form of intervention is the ideal model. To delay a response at this or at any other point along the way in childhood or in the development of a person is to wait until a visible crisis arises which will only limit the ultimate preventation which is the earliest possible prescriptive participation.

And let us understand one more important point here and that is that even if the giving of the tzeduka is for the purpose of some personal gain (see the second four categories of giving as listed by the Rambam) or if there is some other hidden motivation on the part of the philanthropist himself, the act of the giving of this tzeduka is a mitzva none-the-less without reservation. (Pesachim 8A, Avoda Zora 19A).

The earlier then that we give, no matter what the motivating factor, the greater the benefit and the potential for prevention and therefore the healthier we will be as a people.

Much of the dynamic falls on my shoulders since everyone assumes that it is easier for me to interact with him than it is for everyone else which couldn’t be further from the truth. I have not had any training in working or interacting with the deaf community and yet since I have had the greatest exposure and involvement with handicap and disability of any of our friends, relations, or guests it will all fall on me to see to it that our friend is comfortable and involved.

Our relationship is one filled with an increased level of frustration because of all of his unique and specific needs and exceptional demands that are required in order to remain a part of our family dynamic.

We are not required to be nice to him or even include him in our social or familial interaction yet we find him to be genuinely friendly, funny and very sincere.

We are confronting his limits with a whole new set of our own. That is he cannot hear and we cannot overcome his inability to hear even with all of our so called abilities.

When I observe a family going through the initial steps of facing a life with a child born with a set of handicaps or disabilities I am always reminded of this circumstance of the deaf guest.

When we look at a disabled newborn the only context in which we can ascertain the halachically correct behavior is to follow the Kesef Mishna where in he observes that there is a case where a child may no longer be able to endure the strain of providing proper and appropriate parental care.

This is a situation where the mind of the parent has been so overwhelmingly compromised to the point that they are no longer able to have a relationship. In this specific case in the Gemora (Kiddushin) R. Assi leaves his mother.

The Ravad is disturbed by this abandonment more by the fact that he cannot believe that the parent can care for a child without monetary remuneration yet the stranger will do it for a fee. Thus he concludes that the parent will not be able to freely speak their minds to a paid employee guardian however with the real flesh and blood child they will not feel as restricted.

The Rambam says that there is in all probability a suitable substitute for the child caring for an incapacitated parent while the Ravad contends that there is no suitable substitute for a blood relative child when the question is the care of their own parents.

And the fact that the parents will not feel as comfortable around a stranger will inhibit the parent from truly expressing their own needs and this will adversely affect the overall quality of care. (Nishmas Avraham and Yoreh Deah 240:5)

These arguments primarily revolve around the differences in the professional care offered by a stranger versus the inexperienced care provided by a child.

This classic disagreement between the Ravad (the idealist) and the Rambam (the realist) offers a choice for the family to determine their specific level of limitations and abilities.

Thus we see that there may actually be a compromise solution that accepts both the idealism and the realism that offers families who are suddenly confronted with an infant born with a disability a choice to keep their children at home while at the same time providing all of the requisite therapies and professional services and at the same time still not compromise the level of care and development offered to the child.

To which we would respond with equal shock and surprise, “oh we heard that the baby was born with Down syndrome however we were not aware that the baby was sick. What is it that the baby has?”

Our objective at every stage of our contacts and visitations is to elicit some form of an cognitive or affective response. But a genuine response.

To challenge the normal logical or emotional responses is to bring out the actual feelings that the family is trying so desperately to hide from themselves and the world.

By coming into the hospital and treating the situation with a small sense of normalcy creates an atmosphere of initial anger seasoned with some immediate frustration and topped off with an awareness that there may be another way of perceiving this entire matter that they may not yet have been examined.

However, the need to maintain dignity and etiquette and to rely upon social mores prevents them from outright taking out all of their pent up anger and frustration on a complete stranger. None the less the thought does go through their minds as we have discovered from many post facto families with whom we have reviewed this all over the years and who have confirmed this to us.

Some of the usual excuses that new parents will use are as unique and creative (for excusing themselves from a lifetime of raising and including this child in their families) as they are illogical and without merit. Thus we begin a discussion based upon two negatives which ultimately will, with Hashem’s help, lead to a positive outcome.

One of the more common rationalizations is in the form of the parents asking isn’t this child going to take away from our other children? Well that of course could not be further from the truth.

It’s true. Just look at the sibling(s) of a child with Down syndrome or any syndrome for that matter, they are the most chesed filled children and adults on the planet. That is to say that they are the ones who feel comfortable around a person in a wheel chair or who will sit beside another child who is not accepted by the other children and they will have the most compassion while doing so.

But perhaps that’s still not enough reason to keep a child. Okay how about if there are so many children in the family? What then do the parents say? “Well we cannot take this baby because we have so many children and we won’t have time to devote to this child the answer is also quite straight forward. You have a built in infant stimulation program. The other children do not share the fears and biases that you do. And if per chance they do have these learned responses then it is a learned behavior and one that is easily overcome.

When a parent looks me squarely and sincerely in the eye and says that they are thinking of giving away this baby and can I help, I have often made the following offer.

“I think this can be arranged almost immediately however there is one thing that will help us make this placement a little easier for everyone.” After a long they will usually respond with something positive like, “certainly what is it?”

Now here is where things can and do usually get a bit more complicated. I will continue with my counter proposal by inquiring as to how many children it is that they have that makes keeping this one so difficult. After hearing the answer the next question is how old is the last child you had prior to this one.

Next I offer them the deal of a lifetime, one that has never been accepted and one that begins to bring everything rapidly into perspective.

“Look,” I offer, ” I can see that you’re having a very difficult time here and I think that I can help alleviate many of these problems for you. First I will take this baby and find a home for him/her however, in order to sweeten the deal or to make this a much more desirable offer I would like to propose to this new family that we will give them this child and as well let’s offer them the last child you had just prior to this one, also. “You see,” I will continue as delighted as possible with my idea, “by doing this we will accomplish two things. First we will find a home much faster and secondly we will have eliminated some of the excess of children that you feel you are suffering with around the house.”

Now it is quite obvious that no one is going to go for this offer of mine and in fact as soon as these parents will finish processing this totally unexpected offer they will usually become angry or pained. Either way we are now all winners. Why, you ask yourself?

Well that’s relatively simple if we will examine this offer.

Firstly the family is telling me that they do not have the room or the ability to take this baby home. They claim that this is due to the size of the family and the restrictions of time, space, etc.

Secondly for the first time these parents are being told in no uncertain terms that this is a baby and a human being in someone’s eyes and that to give this baby away is to deny all of those same qualities that this child posses as any other child in the family may have.

And finally no matter what the reaction we will now know that we will be discussing what is actually taking place and we will no longer be avoiding and denying.

People who are in the throws of a stress filled moment are trying desperately to hang on to some level of social grace in the face of preparing to completely abandon their offspring and they need to be shocked out of that slumber if there is to be a chance to remain whole.

In the coming posts we will explore some of the other excuses and our responses that allow for exploration to seek out the real significance of the moment.

Many of the families will have had an opportunity to discuss our answers with rabbonim who are relied upon to always advise against keeping a special needs child.

I am not interested in getting into a conflict with gadolei Yisroel who by their own admission are trying to accommodate these families as they always have however if we can anticipate their reasons and rationalizations then we can repond with insightful and powerful answers.

Our job then is to awaken a family with parity by offering the “voice of the child” to do the right thing before they regret their decision for a lifetime.

Change will only occur if there is hope and acceptance included in the formula. Hope and healing are also bound up in a much less rigid reality.

We are a nation who has suffered at the hands of the nations the realities of the world. The parent of a child born with a disability has now achieved this unenviable position of being able to see the world is not yet a completed reality.

This journey begins with the birth of a baby. Not just any baby but a life altering birth. The family is suddenly thrust into a center stage sensation. This is not necessarily a fact yet it certainly feels that way.

With each call the paranoia surfaces. Does this person know yet? Should I tell them now or should I wait and see?

The response to a simple “mazel tov” can suddenly become an extremely complicated greeting.

Normally these greetings and issues are non existent after a birth. However, with the presence of Down syndrome immediately everything becomes confusing and challenging. There is a sense of your privacy being invaded.

In order to withdraw back to what was a normal level of living it is necessary to understand that a baby who is born with a disability will, in time, quietly grow up out of the lime light. There is an expression Israeli’s like to use, “every beginning is difficult.” In other words after a while it will become routine.

Soon this child, around whom so much of your life is revolving, will develop into a fully integral thread in a diverse fabric known as community.

Children who are born with disabilities grow up with hopes and dreams just as their peers do. And soon they will become adults just as we are. They will have neighbors, friends, and coworkers just the same as we do.

Even if a biological family finds a good adoptive family to accept and care for their baby this is none the less a rejection of the infant. This is a self serving rejection as well. After all the infant and G-d did not make this choice.

We are taught from an early age to negate our desires and to lower our level of self importance. To embrace humility.

As we become adults we confuse our daily striving in the work place with our real purpose which is the performance of good deeds. We tend to mitigate our chesed and other spiritual pursuits.

When we are challenged with a child born with something we do not see as part of our normal existence we allow the negative feelings to surface rather than accepting the vulnerability.

It is a simple formula. When confronted with a negative stressor find a substitute or eliminate the stressor all together.

Keep in mind however that this is not a stressor. This is a “chailek Elokai meMaal Mamash.” This is a piece of Hashem indeed. (See below)

When Menachem Mendel of Vizhnitz (1830 – 1884) found out that his favorite child, a daughter who had recently married and resettled in the Holy Land with her new husband, had taken ill he asked to see the mail daily. Thus he was able to stay abreast of her condition albeit two weeks later.

His anxiety was tremendous yet he patiently awaited the news via the post on a daily basis.

This reporting continued on a regular schedule until about a month into the illness during a health setback the post did not arrive on erev Shabbos.

The rebbe asked his chassidim to return to the train station so see if possibly they had overlooked the missing epistle.

Again they returned only to report that the letter had certainly not arrived.

With the beginning of Shabbos the chassidim began by comforting the rebbe that he will probably receive two letters on Motzei Shabbos.

This still did not seem to comfort the rebbe.

As the Shabbos came to a close on Saturday evening the chassidim noticed that not only was the rebbe not himself for the entire Shabbos but they also noticed that the rebbe was actually crying.

The chassidim became very subdued and many of them remained so even as the Shabbos ended and even as the two letters arrived informing the rebbe of his daughters sudden improvement.

The rebbe sat down at the “tish” (table) on Motzei Shabbos for the Melave Malka (the time immediately following the Sabbath set aside for gathering together and to try to extend the Shabbos into the work week.

It was at that moment that the rebbe told the chassidim that they are making a mistake.

He informed them that they erred if they think that he is asking them to do something he himself cannot do. For example to not allow personal pain to disrupt Shabbos or to accept whatever happens as coming from Heaven.

He told them that if they believe that he was distraught over his daughter and for not having received the post prior to Shabbos then again they were mistaken.

He asked them if they remembered a woman who lived on the edge of the town? They all nodded.

He asked them if they remember that during her illness that the rebbe himself went to her house and cut the wood she needed and made the soup she required and that he personally cleaned up the house and cared for the ill woman’s daughter during the entire illness? Again they concurred.

He continued, did they remember that after a very short period that the lady recovered? They all responded in unison.

The rebbe now went on to explain that on Shabbos he came to a realization that he was on a lower level of spiritual development than he realized up until then.

He went on to explain that everyday he receives letters asking for prayers and blessings for people, their children and their families.

It took this period of illness of his own daughter to make him realize that “to love another as oneself must be fulfilled literally.”

Since my daughters’ illness was of greater concern to me as compared to what I felt for that woman who was ill even though I helped her I understood that I was lacking. As further proof of this the rebbe went on I also felt more for my daughter than I did for those for whom I am asked to pray for. I now understood that I was lacking and that I had to correct this.

It is this level of love that we must have for our fellow. The rebbes intense grief made him realize that He had not yet attained this level.

To love and care for someone else’s pain on the same level as you would care for your own child is a level few of us could even hope to attain let alone to literally actualize.

(Based upon a kabbalistic concept, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi’s [1745-1812] doctrine of the “two souls.” The Devine soul and the Animal soul. The animal soul is the vital principal that stimulates the physical body, the life of the body. The Devine soul of a Jew is a part of G-d above indeed. {Tanya beginning of Chapter 2}. It is completely independent of the body in the sense that it exists before its coming into the body and it survives the body after the body’s death. The Divine origin of this soul while residing in the body and the animal soul to rise above them and act in defiance of the natural dispositions of the individual. {Nissan Mindel, The Philosophy of Chabad, volume 2, Brooklyn, NY, 1985)